Its been two weeks since my last post, I would like to say I have been busy and that was the reason for not posting but then I would be lying.
I have been pretty lethargic for the last couple weeks in every way, I just haven’t wanted to do anything, even leaving the house is a struggle when I have to go to work in the morning.
I know I shouldn’t beat myself up for it but I can’t help but feel bad. This week I am getting back into the swing of things though. I am planning on doing my weekly devotions again starting Sunday and want to start my nature awareness walks again, I meant to do it weekly but its kind of fallen by the wayside with most everything else.
There is a nice trail near where I live that follows a river, I have taken quite a few pictures there both digital and film. The reception is horrible but I love going there just to get away and visit the trees. There has always been a special place in my heart for them. I remember that my mother used to say the trees swaying in the wind were dancing and that during the winter they were naked without their leaves. It makes me giggle to think that during the winter they are dancing naked but I digress.
I grew up with the idea that the trees were alive and that they were always whispering to each other about what was going on.
The walking trail can get crowded during summer but most of the year it is pretty empty, and I can just walk there for hours, listening and looking at nature around me.
The trail is by a small river, which I dip my feet into when I am there, which is especially nice during the summer when it’s hot. The river sings to me sometimes or its just laughs as I nearly fall in.
After the rains this year many of the trees lining the river fell, causing a great mess, it’s kind of melancholy to look at all those great trees fallen down and slowly decaying. A certain part of the path is especially so, for me at least. It’s a little more shaded than the rest and there are a few redwoods scattered amongst the birch and Oak. I have always had a great respect for redwoods, having grown up around them all my life.
I like to talk about the future, making plans gets me excited when I am particularly depressed but following through with plans made has always been a hurdle for me. Part of that seems to stem from the fear of failure but also ridicule. I am not a neurotypical person and the reasons behind a lot of what I do confuse me at times. It’s taken a long time for me to actually work out even the basics, like the fact that I am not neurotypical. It’s also taken me a long time to reframe my thinking away from that being a bad thing. I have always had this terrible idea that since I don’t conform to the usual that there is something wrong with me.
Everything moves in cycles, and it’s taken me a long time to really sit down and look at what that means, both externally and internally.
All beings are living out our lives as spirals within spirals, creating the thread that weaves itself together to create the universe.
I honestly believe that all beings have autonomy and that there is no higher power or pattern that all beings ascribe to, which is both terrifying and wonderful. It comforts me because it also means that whatever I do, fail or succeed at there isn’t being judged by any standard except my own. This freedom makes it both easier and harder to accept things or events as they happen.
It’s complicated and simple all at once.
Explaining how that works is almost impossible, especially when I have had too much caffeine. I am quite sensitive so, I try to avoid it. It gives me the jitters both mentally and physically, so I apologize if this is sounding a little disjointed.
All I am trying to say is this, to quote the bard:
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. ”
– Hamlet (1.5.167-8), Hamlet to Horatio