Day 17

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I was a little jittery and just all around distracted today during meditation. I don’t really know why.
I did my usual prayer but couldn’t seem to concentrate. I struggled through the fifteen minutes. The only thing or part I was pleased with was the lighting of the candles, incense and the prayers.
I really felt connected to the divine this morning.
It was kinda cool, a feeling I haven’t had in a long time.
The whole reason I left the church as I was feeling disconnected and alone, I found a pagan church that made me feel loved and part of a family or community I could trust and identify with.
Its also true that my pastor was completely unaware I was being physically abused in my own home, it felt like a betrayal when I told him and he was oblivious. I felt like I didn’t matter, even in the one place I had been taught should accept and love me.
It was hard, growing up as almost a shadow of a person, someone that could be ignored on a daily basis.
I found something different in my current church, they are like the family I never had and I feel blessed to have found them. We have our disagreements and people come and go but as a whole I think we are closer and more loving than any church i’ve found or any group of people i’ve seen.
Being loved and accepted starts at home but if your surrounded by people who debase and tear you down on a daily basis its difficult to create either a positive image of yourself.
When the people who should be your greatest protectors become your enemies, its…difficult to cope.
FInding the ‘family’ I have in my church has been a blessing, healing wounds ages deep.I’m grateful, so grateful for all you in my life, I don’t say it enough but I am saying it now :Thank You!

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