Day 19

Same routine as yesterday.
I used the prewritten prayers again.
I am forcing myself to continue the routine.
About every 3 or four months I go through a brief depression where I don’t ant to do anything, so not wanting to do the meditation or writing isn’t an excuse to not do it. I need the stability but I also feel better for it afterwards. Its one thing I can and have accomplished every week that I can look back on with pride.
For most of my life I have given up on so much when it got to be hard, and I regret those choices bitterly. I was never given the support to accomplish even the smallest of ideas and even belittled for any decision I did make. I struggle with making decisions not because I am indecisive by nature but because I have learned to not trust my own ideas or decisions.
Sometimes even I belittle my own practice when i am in one of my moods and think about stopping because it’s such a small thing that doesn’t really effect me but then i force myself to think about it and say to myself ‘ thats not true, you are accomplishing a small but important thing. if you can continue to do this small thing how to say you can’t do larger things later?’ it’s a stepping stone a small one i will admit but all rest things start with a small step, don’t they?

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