Day 2: Why?
This is a very open ended question initially but when I read the description it really was why do you want to start writing five hundred words a day to start with, what goal is in mind or just why are you doing this to yourself?
My reason for writing is simple but not really easy to explain to anyone who doesn’t know a little bit about my history.
to bring a long story short, I was abused by the people in my life that were supposed to be the ones I would trust. The abuse consisted of emotional and physical aspects that make it hard for me to put my thoughts or beliefs into any concrete form. I even have trouble speaking aloud at times because I have the belief that my words, thoughts and beliefs are worthless.
My sense of worth is so low that I cannot describe how much I despise myself.
I want that to change and I think writing everyday what I think and feel is a good first step on a long road to recovery.
I need to see my words in print and know they matter to at least on person, myself. I have always been nervous about putting my words to paper, so that is why I write or why I am committing myself to proving everyday that I have thoughts that matter that are worth writing down for anyone to see.
Its going to be hard and I might skip some days or I might find some to be easy to do.
I commit to this exercise because I am worth listening to, even if my own family doesn’t see it that way. Its hard writing even these words down.
I am even now thinking of not posting this because it embarrasses me so much.
I am such a cheerful and giving person, how can I have such a low self-esteem?
How dare I acknowledge that most days I don’t want to get up in the morning?
I am constantly affirmed that I don’t matter in my daily life, I need something to remind me that I have enough worth to be alive.
I know this post is probably hard to read for some of you that know me or at least you knew what I would let you see.
I didn’t want to burden you with how I feel, you seemed to have so many of your own problems that I did not want to add too them.
I don’t want an out pouring of support, I’m not ready to hear how much everyone loves me right now.
I need time to find love for myself before I can hear it from others and truly believe it.
This writing is for me, not you.
I need a way to tell myself that I am worth the risk and that I deserve to be cared for and loved.
Thank you all for listening or just reading…I’ll be writing tomorrow. see you then?