Prompt: Befriend your fears.

Todays post is about fear, what do I fear the most?
Fear is a major part of why I am who I am. I was afraid of my parents and the routines they prescribed to. I was constantly afraid of the future because it was an unknown and no one could tell me different.
The only constant in my life, and many others as well, is the fear that what I can do will be harmful.
Its consistent in my life to avoid the fear by continuing what I know is safe. Even if its monotonous and I hate it.
Its safe so I continue.
The search for safe has continued all my life. from my early childhood when I would look for signs of my mothers mood for my own safety’s sake to the job I am at now where I say the same thing to everyone and deviate little from the set routine.
Fear or the escape from it has been a running gag in my joke of a life.
I am terrified of new situations because I really don’t want to be hurt anymore.
I don’t trust others to have my best interests in mind because from an early age the people who were supposed to did not. They were selfish and taught me to be selfish or at least they tried to.
The lessons I learned were to fear the unknown, to always look for the worst and to always wear a smile while you want to scream.
I talk about my abusive childhood alot, and will continue. It was what created the person everyone sees in the morning when I get up to go to work. Its a major chunk of the life I’ve lived so, its going to a feature of alot of what I write.
Its what I know and an author I love once used that as advice to writers, write what you know now and the rest will come.
I write like I have to justify what is coming out and that stems from fear as well.
A fear of being misunderstood.
I also fear being called a lier.
both are fears from my childhood, perpetuated by events in my early adulthood till today.
I hate being lied to and being misrepresented.
I don’t get upset by….well Actually I get upset by alot but I don’t respond when I’m upset. I don’t let others know when I am bothered by something they do or say because I don’t want to cause conflict.
Another fear of mine.
A fear of confrontation.
Once again it stems from my childhood when confrontation was something to be feared.
Confrontations, even ones of words, always ended up being either physical or emotional with my mother. I have scars from both of them.
Its hard to talk about them, not because I am afraid of them but because I don’t recall them very well. I made myself so numb with fear that most of my childhood is a blur and thats sad.

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