The ostrich and the tiger…story of my life…

Ive been avoiding writing anything for a long while now, it has been a hard slog the last few weeks. When its hard I don’t like writing, these last few weeks I haven’t even looked at a pen without flinching.
I know writing things down, writing feelings on paper is like letting them go but you have to know the feeling before you can let them go. you have to examine what going on before you move forward, I don’t always want to examine too closely what is going on or what is going on with me emotionally. Its like a mind field that I have to navigate every time, and it is exhausting.
I don’t like that part of writing. When I don’t like doing something I avoid it until it goes away, I know its not the most brilliant or creative tactic but its one I have learned from childhood. Hide when things are not going well, don’t be there when things go to hell and you won’t be hurt or thrown in the middle in a hand basket.
Reading fantasy was my escape, it still is.
I love reading, it creates a hole I can climb up in and fill in behind me until I want to come out, or when the yelling stops.
Even writing this is like peeling an onion, it make me emotional, weepy and I want to stop desperately but you can’t cook with an unpeeled onion.
The layers have to come off before the real work begins.
I made myself write this down and I will continue to struggle with this, I will stumble and stub my toe occasionally but I will continue and that is what is Important.
The fact that you will fall isn’t what you need to focus on, the reality of the choice to get up again is.
No one who has done anything brilliant has ever done it the first time correctly or even easily.
Look up how many of Einsteins inventions failed, it is depressing if you think about it longer than a few minutes.
Anything worth having is worth fighting for.
We all hear that, but do we know what it truly means?
Its a long hard slog to the top, and once you get there its kind of lonely.
I don’t have a lot of self discipline or fortitude but I am learning to find my inner strength. I have a lot of bad days, I will admit that begrudgingly.
Its more my Modus Operand to run and hide when something scares me.
What else can a child do when people bigger than them are fighting?
It is a bad habit, but first I have to realize that I am one of the bigger people now.
It is a hard realization and sometimes all it takes to break it is one look in a mirror.
This new bravery of mine is fragile, like glass between two walls and the world around me blows like a whirlwind through them.
Right now I would prefer to be an ostrich rather than tiger, but I am aware enough to realize whe I’m running out of sand to hide my head in.


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