The World before you were born

I like to think they might have been happy, my family before I was born
I like to dream that before I was born the world was a little less bright but still a little bit happy. I like to suspend my disbelief that nothing was the same but I can’t. My parents planned for me to be a playmate for my sister and before that she was lonely, maybe.

She was only two when I was born so it wasn’t really a life change at that point, at least not one she would remember.
The world before I was born went on the same I think, it would be narcissistic to think otherwise, right?
The world spun around and people were lived, people died before I was born and they wore horrid clothes during the eighties. Polyester was king and it was likely my sister was miserable, she’s allergic. my  two beautiful nieces were not even an inkling on any map.
Many things were different and some  were the same, people stuck around and people were left behind.
Thinking of it now is depressing, think of the movie “a wonderful life” during christmas. If my life had never occurred what would the consequences be?
If no one knew my name, would they kind of feel a little lost and lonely?
The prompt kinda morphed into a melodramatic thesis of loss and grief.
I don’t know what my mother’s life would have been like without me there to take care of her, maybe she would have passed earlier or maybe her life would have gone on longer.
I could go on a long and winding trip down memory lane but I won’t because it hurts too much and solves nothing.
I don’t want to torture myself with the what ifs.
I want to think of a story about a girl in a world before I as born but I am stuck fast in melancholy molasses.
Its a river you could drown in.
The world I was born into wasn’t happy by any means and likely would have continued to spiral down into despair the same way with or without me.
The save events might have happened differently but likely they would not have changed.
My mother was sick from the beginning and that wasn’t going to change with or without me there.
Its a fine thing to think that your existence was the cause of some great good or bad but really in the long run we are small in the big scheme.
In the end it is only our own path that we truly do have any influence over, one that we can see in any case.
Our existence may influence people and events but us alone cannot change the tide of events that were put into play way before we were born.
But we can change the way things flow in our lives, our small lives can be changed and that to us is a big deal. and maybe that is what matters, if we can change our own lives maybe we indirectly can change another’s, and so on until our little life really does have power and a meaning.


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