Hello people out there…

I just got out of class and I am exhausted. I was throwing pots for about two hours and got one semi usable pot out of the six that were started. I was starting to get frustrated but I did make some progress from last week on Thursday.
That is all I was looking for really, progress and that I had a good time doing it and wasn’t literally throwing pots around at people.
That would have ended my pottery career really quickly don’t you think?
I’m writing again fro the first time in about a week. Last week I went through another one of my low periods and didn’t want to do too much. I am forcing myself to write this though, and I think I am happy for it.
The rest of my family doesn’t seem to really grasp what is wrong with me when I am like this, they just seem to chalk it up to laziness or just a lack of gumption.
Its is and it isn’t.
When I go through my low periods it is even an effort to get up in the morning before I have to go to work. I have no energy for people or projects that I once loved and that is so frustrating.
I force myself to do things that need to be done but that is a struggle day to day sometimes.
I’m working through some of my emotions surrounding my mother and grandmother’s passing and I am finding a lot of anger buried under the passiveness and the grief.
Its surprises me because I never get really angry, the anger is surprising and I don’t know what to do with it and it frightens me as well.
It also upsets me to think about, how angry I am at both of them but how useless that anger is now.
Anger itself is a frightening emotion for me, because so much of my life has been spent hiding from angry people who want to hurt me.
Anger=Hurt in my mind and while I know on a conscious level that all anger does not lead to that, telling my unconscious mind to disobey nearly twenty years of habit or belief is an uphill battle.
Even typing this down has been difficult. I don’t know how some of my family would take it really if I just went on a vent and told them how angry I am at all of them.
I won’t go into specifics here. I’m really not ready to.
Just acknowledging that the anger is there is a difficult and frightening step for me.
I was always the good girl, never upset about things that other people did to me.
I’m not very good at sticking up for myself, I tend to just let others do what they want and let the chips fall where they will.


2 thoughts on “Hello people out there…

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