Childhood whims…Idiosyncrasies of adulthood.

Here I am again writing for my blog or just writing in general. I’ve been putting this off for a few hours now and I can’t help but think that I am being disappointing to someone.
I didn’t have to go to work today but I just sat around and did nothing. After I went to class though, I didn’t skip my pottery class.
I got up early to go and I really enjoyed it. I didn’t get the cups down but there is always tomorrow. I’ll take some pictures tomorrow and post on tumbler for anyone whose interested.
I’m kind of back to beginning again with my writing, I am not enjoying myself but I am writing still.
I am almost back to the beginning in the sense that I really don’t like writing write now.
I think its just a phase that I go through occasionally and I just need to push through and get it done.
That is just as difficult as it sounds, I can make up a million different reasons or tasks to avoid writing but when I do sit down and buckle down and write I do feel better for it and wonder why I hesitated.
Until the next time.
Its a constant struggle in my mind and agianst my mind to get it to do what I want or need to do.
Its not difficult to find a distraciton but when the deadline passes or the day ends and I have doen ntothing I beat myself up for it.
Its a difficult thing to figure out, just as soon as I seem to get in teh rythm of something is when the rythm breaks me down to tears.
Its a vicious cycle that is always in front of me and like at laundry mat I sit and watch it spin.
Its almost as bad as when a tv set is on, I have to sit and watch.
Its like a compulsion.
This last Christmas was awful, they had the tv, computer and music playing at the same time and it was so over stimulating that I had a bit of a freak out.
I also cut myself but that was what broke the camel’s back, the last straw not the trigger.
Frustrating, maddening I cannot go into how much.
Writing is such a release that it boggles the mind why it bothers me so much that I avoid it with minor setbacks, checking my email is one of the worst especially in the morning.
Does anyone else have this problem?
Or am I making no sense?
Id really like to know if I am going crazy or not, I’ve tried to explain it as clearly as I can but even my therapist, when I have one, is perplexed and doesn’t know what the question is.
Its one of my biggest hurdles, it permeates my whole life. I avoid doing important things and look for reasons why I cannot do them.
I spend money meant for something else, I avoid going to the dentist, I disappear wehn my name is called. Its a mystery, why don’t I want to take care of business.
Do I enjoy being under the gun?
Does the urgency give my something in return?
Not really, it just stresses me out and gets other people angry.
I think it might stem from being ignore unless I was in trouble.
I got used to the negative attention and so I don’t know how to deal with it when I do good and no one notices.
That’s just conjecture though, my sister finds it ridiculous
She said she cannot praise me for every little thing, I am an adult not a child.
That’s the point though, this is what I was missing as a child.
I needed it then but I am asking for it now.
And I get knocked down for it…..:(


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